Humuhumunukunukuapua'a

Humu language

2006-12-08T10:01:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should consider writing up a lexicon.
All languages need pronouns so I think it is time for the humu language to have them as well.
Hu = me
Ha = the 2nd or 3rd person, with the context to be determined by the usage. For instance if you say Ha humu pua'a to someone you don't know well, it is obvious that you are complimenting them. So if someone were to go up to a woman in a bar and say Ha humu pua'a, it is pretty clear that it is a second person adjective, and even more clear that he is hitting on her.

On the other hand if you were talking to a friend and happen to point at someone or something and say Ha humu pua'a, you know that the indicated individual or thing is being identified as good.

Ha serves many linguistic roles, it means he/she/it or it can also mean this/that.

Due to a reduced letter content, substantives and other gramtical reductive sentence structures are also normal.

For instance, the English my humu is a good fish! could both be adaquately expressed as Hu humu. While this reads as My is, or my humu - literally the humu of me or the humu for me, it is obvious that 1) a humu is a fish, 2) a humu is good, it is their very essence. So we manage to avoid an excess of redundancy. To convey the idea that humus are the greatest fish, and perhaps material entity in the world, it is quite sufficient to just say humu. Idiomatically this could be translated as "Great" or "Awesome"

So if someone were to ask "How are you today", "Humu" would be an excellent response. Even in the case that you weren't doing well, and were only answering humu out of politeness, as so many people answer the question as "Fine" anyway whether or not they are doing any where remotely close to fine. Again, social context leads explicitly to understanding.

Obviously if someone says humu at a fish store or in the presence of iconography depicting triggerfish or an actual triggerfish specimen, humu can clearly be interpreted as a mode of addoration, as a compliment, or as an expression of being dumbstruck by humu grandeur.

My bursa trigger

2006-12-08T09:52:00.000-05:00

So I have had a bursa for two month or so now. When I went to the store to buy a new fish I had pretty much decided on Sufflaman, but before I was going to check out, this bursa looked at me. He looked at me the way Alister would occaisionally do. I knew at that point he had to be the fish I bought, though he was a common species, and was over priced. It was love at first sight. When I got him home and got him under good lighting, I saw he was a much more beautiful fish than I had initially given him credit for. He was tremendously timid at first, and this timidity literally lasted for several weeks, but finally, just this week he has realized who I really am, and has come to accept food from my hand. This is a signifcant step, and I must admit that I was getting a little frustrated that he would not up until now.

I decided to name him The Edge, like The Edge from U2, who for some reason insists that everyone call him by no name other than The Edge... I figured that kind of peculiar wierdness was fitting to the new fish.

In theory he is not actually a humu, but I refer to him as a humu. Perhaps, actually I should call him The Humu. I think this works quite well actually.

Context based language.

2006-11-14T15:44:00.000-05:00

So due to the reduction of letters, more information will need to be gleaned from context. An example of such is as follows.

Pua'a humu pua'a. Food is good(lit. cool). Now this might not be clear, it might seem as if I am saying good(things) are good, or good is good, but when I utter this phrase at about 12:00. 5:00, or 9:30 on a Saturday night, it is pretty damn obvious what I mean. Therefore Pua'a humu pua'a. This forces people to use their brains and understand the things they say and mean. Therefore, the former aversion to marketing majors and professionals is so utterly obvious.

New langauge

2006-11-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

I shall call this language Humuhumunukunukukuapua'an. The language will be composed entirely of the letters H, U, N, K, A, P, and '. Obviously there would be some changes to normal language to accommodate the reduction of letters, but I think that the world could get used to it. First of all, in order to reduce word redundancy, the language would have to excise several unimportant words and concepts. This would eliminate things like football, cheap beer, and marketing majors. The language would only contains words associated with property, subsitence commerce, and humus. The verb to be would be humu. There would be no conjugation. Example Humuhumunukunukuapua'a' humu. ' denotes plural. This means the humus are. Likewise you would see Humuhumunukunukuapua'a humu - the humu is.

By intentionally factoring out unnecessary conventions, people will not be able to talk about then, and therefore, these things will simply cease to exist.

Therefore, I could say, Humuhumunukunukuapua'a humu pua'a - The humu is cool.

But I could not say the marketing major is cool as there is no word for marketing major. But this will lead to the decline of the major marketing, and therefore the need to describe it will be removed.

I think this would make the world more efficient. Or actually... Nuku humu pua'a - Everything is good(literally cool).

Humus do keep me busy

2006-11-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

So it was my anniversary the other day. I decided it would be nice to compile a cross species matrix comparing my wife to humus. In a painstaking 33 point review, she won in 25 of 33 categories, tieing in 5, and unfortunately losing to humus in 3. All in all, this definitively and scientifically proves that she is at least 500% better than humus, which are undeniably great. It is rare when I get to spend so much time with someone so great, so I guess I am pretty lucky. Also, if I ever have to go an extended period of time without humus, I rest assured in the knowledge that I have access to someone 500% better. This is honestly really great.

Songs about humus.

2006-08-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

Humu fought the law, and humu won.
Humu fought the law, and humu won.

That tragic night... er mid afternoon.

2006-08-21T12:17:00.000-05:00

Walking in, you would never know what had transpired. There were no sirens, no chalk outlines(chalk does not work well underwater), no police tape. The event was quite tragic but the only tangible marker that anything foul had occured was the poor humu stuck in an overflow, trapped by several hundred gallons an hour of flow.

It was tragic, but it was perhaps the most fitting end Picard could have met. You see, he died as he lived, that is... he died doing his own thing. Sure a smarter fish would not have gotten himself stuck in a hole half his size, nor would a smart fish have drowned, but even intelligence cannot prevent the inevitable... delay it perhaps, but eventually, death comes to humus just as a rampaging humu onslaught is coming to wreck havok and revenge upon all those who have ever mocked, looked wrongly at, mildly insulted, practiced poor fish husbandry, were French, or tried to chastise the fish for eating things perceived to be delicious.

It is sad that Picard is no more, at least not in his fragile fish body, though his spirit lives on in humu sheol or some other quasi mythological humu underworld... he sits and waits for the transhumugration after which he will re-inhumucrated... humus never truly die, they just have unfortunate setbacks involving well chewed power cords and salt water. You can't keep a good fish down... at least not forever.

Picard's former body remains indignantly in the freezer... thanks a lot Gretchen... but it is of no more use to him. While Picard is not truly gone, he better get used to endless Mahjong tournaments until it's his turn for transhumugration again. And some of those old humu women can play a mean game of Mahjong, so he has his work cut out for him.

Goodbye Picard.

2006-08-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately overflows tend to prove greater than or equal to humus. It was sad to lose yet another friend to the treacherous overflow of death. Quite sad indeed. Fortunately the problem is being remedied, but it is too little too late. It will be quite some time before my tank is humu-full once more. Perhaps this will be a good time to contemplate life without a humu, as sad as that will be. But for the time, the seat of humucrat will remain vacant. This vacancy may well be the first since the beginning of time. It is a sad happening, but it is important. The world must wait, and it may be long in waiting. But this winter will one day pass, and usher in a humu spring once more! Until then the most we can do is rest in quiet contemplation of what's to come. There will be a humu once more, there will be a once and future humu king; the unvanquishable humu spirit will see to it! It cannot not be stopped any less than the sun can be stopped from rising, nor water can be stopped from flowing. Viva la hume!

My life with Picard

2006-08-17T12:47:00.000-05:00

Picard was one of those fish that was hard to love. Sure, he was an alright friendly bloke, but he never really stood out in true humu fashion. Don't get me wrong, he was perfectly likeable, and even pleasant to be around. He was kind of like Pope Benedict following after John Paul II. I mean don't get me wrong, he was a great fish, but he was really kind of a transitional humu.

The thing about Picard was that he just sort of did his own thing and didn't care what anyone else thought. He was not an ambitious world conqueror like Alister, nor was he a bad fish by any means, but he didn't really inspire adulation of the masses nor did he inspire fear. He was really just the kind of fish you wanted to come home to, sit on the porch with while drinking a beer, and just BS the afternoon away. He didn't have any lofty ideals that he needed to impose with force. Maybe that actually was his strength in life. It wasn't some huge thing he did, rather the little things he did that made him a good humu. Maybe his simple, everyday wisdom was his special quality in life. He really aspired to live to his potential, but this didn't include a lofty stock portfolio, an evil commercial empire shrouded in umbrella corporations and false store fronts, or indefatigable super weapons. For Picard, life was more existential - He just lived and swam, swam and lived. While the lack of plotting and scheming may seem to be a deficit, maybe it was not at all such a thing. He was like the Canada of humus - he just was. Sure there isn't a compelling reason to move there, but no one would deny that it wasn't a nice place for a visit, or maybe an extended holiday.

I guess Picard wasn't so much into the flashy media productions or ransom notes to the world as he was into the existential sublime. I guess that's just the way Picard was for better and for worse. All in all, he was always a right top chap!

The OFFICIAL state fish once again.

2006-04-21T12:47:00.000-05:00

Well it turns out some n00btards tried to write a law in Hawaii that made humus the official state fish, but made the bill expire in 5 years. This puzzles me... hey humus, you are so great, be our official state fish and represent us to the whole piscine community - carry our name with honor to the world and be a fish to represent us! We love you humus... oh by the way in 5 years, you might not be state fish material any more... so... just to let you know...

Umm, hello? Humus are so great and have always been great - after 5 and 5,000 years... yup, still great!

Not only should they be the state fish, they should be the national fish! No, the world fish!!!

Silly Hawai'ian politicians... how do you expect to get anything done when you don't even know how to treat your humus?

This is a tragic flaw, which fortunately will soon be remedied... PERMANENTLY THIS TIME YOU DILL SMACKS!!! :P

Newmu, the life and times of R. Rectangulus

2006-03-03T14:37:00.000-05:00

It may be known by some, that there is a new humu in town... or in this case, a newmu. He is in fact a newmunewmunukunukuapua'a... or perhaps a newmewnewmewhewkewnewkewapewa'a... or something of that nature. His name is Picard, and he is like Alister in many ways, though Alister he is not. Ways that he is like Alister
1) He is from the genus Rhinecanthus
2) He has a trigger
3) He likes to bite things
4) He lets me pet him
5) He takes food from my hand
6) He enjoys eating
7) He likes squid and krill.

Ways that he is not like Alister
1) He is larger and much fatter.
2) He is a completely different color - i.e. brown and orange.
3) He is not quite as aggressive and he does noticably less plotting and scheming.
4) He spends time that would be spent plotting and scheming eating
5) He actually sleeps less than Alister, and is not as grumpy as Alister was when he is woken up.
6) He is more likely to actually be from Hawai'i.
7) His species is R. rectangulus

Picard is a kinder gentler humu so long as nothing is between him and food, which he eats a lot of. Actually this is not so bad, since Alister's final down fall was directly related to his insatiable need to get exactly what he wanted when he wanted it. On the other hand, this humu has not the drive nor the grand vision(at least not yet) that Alister had. He is sort of like Pope Benedict in a way, in that he is more of a transitional fish. But then again, like Benedict, we will probably be stuck with him for a while, but in the case of Picard, this is not such a bad thing at all. Unfortunately, his massive appetite really pushes the line of water quality, but I can deal with that.

In memoriam, some humkus

2006-01-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

Alister, humu
you were the best fish ever,
your memory lives

Essence of humu
Alister, you were so great
I miss you so much

Humucrat you were
Ruler of all triggerfish
no fish can compare

I am really sad
I do not have a humu
it is a bad thing

Best humu ever
The one, the only humu
you have left me now

Alister my friend
I could not save you from fate
rest well my good friend

A sad sad day in humu land

2006-01-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

I must say that there was one single and abundant source of inspiration for all that was typed here, my beloved, bizarre, ruthless, and playful humu Alister. Alister has been the best fishy friend that anyone could have, and it is with more pain than anything I have ever done that tonight I say good bye to my beloved friend. He was the sole inspiration to all that was written in the previous months. Alister had been with me for over 4 years as an ever faithful companion who never failed to make me smile and to captivate my imagination. It is today that I must say good bye, tearing as I write. I do not know the time of his death except that it was sometime between 9:00 this morning and 7:00 this evening when I found him. I would like to write some sillyness about how peaceful his death was, but judging by the way he was found, I know that is a lie. At least he died as he lived, and his final act was to chase, with the intention of eating, the hermit crab that eluded his mouth for years. Still, I remember fondly, if not painfully the four years I had with my beloved friend. It is so very hard to write this through the tears. It's been hours since I found him and only now do they come. Alister, you were the most loved pet I ever had - I never cried genuine tears for a cat or a dog from my childhood, but I weep now for you, my beloved humu. I will try to faithfully continue this in honor of your memory, but for now, the world remains in waiting, and without a proper humucrat.

I hope beyond all hope that there will be some way that I can see you again some day, but even now I don't think in four long years I even took one proper photo of you. These words are all that remain.

Alister ?? - 01/10/06
Requiescat in pace
There will never be another fish like you, there cannot ever be. No one can follow in your wake.

But the position of humucrat is an important one, and we must look on to the future, without you. I am so sorry that your plans did not come to fruition, but they most certainly do not die with you. As long as the humu spirit remains strong and unbroken, you will always live on, there at least.

A long gap.

2006-01-10T21:45:00.000-05:00

Now that I am preparing for medical school I find that I have less time to do things like this, that and I no longer need to fill the tedium of hours from a meaningless job, but I love writing this so I will try to continue intermitently or otherwise.

Lesson 1: The essence of humu

2005-09-14T12:05:00.000-05:00

The first and most important part of humuhumunukunukuapua'a is humu. Humu is Hawai'ian for "to sew". You see, humu is sort of like an ehtereal force that binds things together... kind of like covalent bonds except they don't involve two atoms or the sharing of electrons... thus they are not at all like covalent bonds... but they are. Once you grasp this paradox, the first door to humlightenment will be open for you, and you will understand the beginning of the essence of humu which is the root of humu wisdom. Humu is a force, not The Force, but a force, remarkably like The Force, but different enough to avoid copyright infringement. The biggest difference between humu and The Force is that there is no light or dark side, there is only humu. Though there is more than humu because nuku and pua'a exist and are independent yet inseparable from humu except when they are separated. You might ask now how is this inseparability if they are separated. The truly wise purveyor of humu wisdom would not ask such foolish questions, and would rather, feed their fish some squid.

Squid is an important part of humu - for fish are what they eat... humu ist was humu ißt... ergo... humus are squid becase they eat squid... but humus really are not squid because they are humus, yet both are true from different vanatages. Unfortunately only one of those vantages is correct, and only the one wise in humu will know the correct one from all the falacious views. This wise humu lore-seeker can truly say "You are wrong, and I am right" It's that simple.

And that is the basics on the essence of humu.

Any questions?

WTF n00b - I just explained it. Weren't you listening?
n00b... I am not gonna tell you again cuz you r 2 n00b. U R teh Sux0rz.

The essence of Humuhumunukunukuapua'a

2005-09-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

The essence of Humuhumunukunukuapua'a can be broken down into three constituent parts
1)The essence of Humu
2)The essence of Nuku
3) The essence of Apua'a or sometimes just Pua'a is you are inclined to the Strict Triggerist or Orthodox Humuphile schools of thought.

The balance of these three things make up triggerfish in general, but they find perfect triune balance in the Humuhumu.

To err is not humu, but to trigger is quite fine!

2005-09-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

Humus never make mistakes; they are intentional about everything they do. Perhaps lesser fish err... but these fish are not humus. Also humus can trigger, which makes them significantly better than lesser fish. When is the last time you ever saw a wrasse trigger or a clownfish? You haven't? Oh, well that's because those other fish SUCK!

To buy, or not to buy, that is the question.

2005-09-09T09:52:00.000-05:00

I am thinking about purchasing an undulate triggerfish. For those of you who do not know, undulate triggerfish are mean. They are very mean. They are very, very mean! They are very, very, very mean! What I am basically trying to convey here is that they are extremely mean. Extremely! They are savagely ferocious. They are down right nasty. They are bloodthirsty killers! They are overly and excessively aggressive. They are meticulously efficient eating machines that strip flesh from bone with ease! They are living snapping jaws of doom, capable to crushing bone in their powerful mouths of bloody death.

I am considering names for this new trigger - here are some I have thought up so far
Undular the Destroyer, Renthrax the render of Flesh, and Pickles.

I think that he and I will be good friends, so long as he does not try to hard to tear my finger from its socket and feast upon it with delight. Personally, I think it wouldn't be a good habit for him anyway, because he could only have such a treat a total of ten times over the course of this life... and this would be frustrating for him because it is hard to ration a limited quantity over a great number of years. You don't want to waste them now do you?

Humu music

2005-09-09T09:46:00.000-05:00

Humus can naturally grunt and snap. They can also bang hard object against other hard object. Therefore, humu music naturally resembles very high terrestrial percussion music. Think Polynesian drumming. It is no mistake, that Polynesian drumming has similarities to humu music, since humus hail from that region. Truth be told, they most likely learned that musical style from the wild humus living of the coast. Humus do not often gather for concerts, but when they do, you can be guaranteed that it will kick some serious butt!! Humu music is hard to understand for non-humus, but I will give some clarification here...

There is one basic principle which quantifies all humu music and it is as follows->
Humu music is teh_rox0r!

Note: Humu music may be particularly overwhelming if you are too crunk! Listen with caution.

Behold, the white honker!!

2005-09-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

I was driving today, an lo, I saw it, the white honker!! This honker was surrounded by dozens of other regularly colored honker, but this one was white!! Not a white honker like an all white honker, but more like an albino honker i.e. Honkerus canadiensisalbinus

This white honker was like a photo-negative antihonker - where the parts of a normal honker were dark, this honker was white, but he had black slashy thingys on his wings.

Surrounded by a gaggle of his goosey honkerkin, he was a lone beacon of white honkerdom, brazen, contrary, yet still part of the flock. I think he was their honker-king!! I think he was Honkus Alotagus, king of honkers, goose of reknown, the white hope of Canada, eh! Who knows what this goose is all aboot, but he was a honker unlike any other. It made me want to drink Labatt and watch some ice hockey surrounded by goosine Cannuck kin!

Alister's Decree

2005-09-02T06:29:00.000-05:00

This morning, Alister decreed that civilized beings do not wake up before 6:00. He told me that all beings caught waking up before 6:00 will be punished - there are only two fitting punishments. Death, or suspension of privileges to trigger and eat urchins, a fate much, much worth than death. I told Alister that I typically wake up before 6:00. He denounced me as mad, uncivilized, and threatened to make an example of me. Fortunately he swam back into his rock, fell back asleep, and I think he forgot about his threats. They were not idle, he would have carried them out, but I think he forgot. He has been very ornery lately, so I have been required to tread lightly. In general though, Alister says that he alone should have power over the rising and the setting of the sun, and that it is his decree which makes it possible. I am not sure I believe him, particularly because he has stated that his new T5s are in fact the sun, but I am not going to argue with him, lest he carry out some of his threats.

Addendum: Some ladies I work with took me out for a soon to be farewell lunch. We all went for Japanese, since I told them about Kyoto, which is about the best Japanese place in Ohio. Some of them had never tried Japanese, while others were already big fans. All in all most people liked it, those who were already familiar with Japanese loved it. Everyone found at least one thing out of everything they tried that they really liked.

But there was one thing wrong... The wrath of Alister is upon me!! I ordered uni today... I wanted to eat sea urchin... but they were out!!! They were out!! Alister has revoked my ability to eat urchin - I know it is his doing - he has come to force me into compliance, into obedience, and it will work. I am sad - I had wanted uni - Alister knew this and he called ahead!! He told them not to serve me uni - I know, that is just the kind of thing he would do.

I will not wake Alister up tomorrow at 6:00 - for I cannot bear his wrath any longer. Urchinless living is horrible - it is sub humu!!

I am sorry Alister, I am sorry for waking you before 6:00. I will try not to do it again anytime soon!

Alister's response:
I will take your groveling under consideration. But first, you must feed me squid to prove your loyalty!!

Humus, they make me happy

2005-08-31T13:33:00.000-05:00

Humus they make me happy
They swim around and around and around
Humus they make me dizzy...

Sleep apnea sucks!!

2005-08-30T07:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have not slept in weeks. I am sooo tired, but even if I sleep I do not feel less tired. This makes me sad. It also makes Alister sad too. Alister gets sad because he demands squid, but in my tiredness I give him krill and do not notice the difference. Alister notices though, he is very perceptive about his invert dietary rations. He says that since I do not feed him what he wants, that this means that I do not love him anymore, and therefore I am a traitor and deserving of death. I tried to explain that I was tired, but he told me that he was equally "tired" of hearing excuses, which he said would no longer be tolerated. He is very mad at me, so hopefully this will pass soon and I will sleep again.

The honkers have returned.

2005-08-29T09:46:00.000-05:00

They have returned in force to the parking lot. It is covered with poop, the tell tale sign of continued honker residency.

Unfortunately, one thing baffles me... why would the honkers want to come to this god-forsaken place??? I mean there is nothing good here, and they even hire dogs here to chase the poor honkers away. I love them... I want the dogs to go away and have the honkers stay.

I guess maybe the honkers just come here to poop. I do not blame them - that is sometimes about all I do here in a given day that is actually worth doing.

I must applaud the honkers on their most discerning taste!!

They are like humus with wings I think!

Today, I honked back!!

2005-08-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

There were honkers in the parking lot this morning... they were standing together as a crowd and blocking the path. I pulled my car up close to them, but they did not budge. I could not go farther, there were geese in my way. I inched closed, but they did not move. But then I honked at them - recognizing me as a honorary fellow "honker" they gave way and started to walk away. I pulled up farther and honked again, at which they continued their relentless march.

Today, it was I who honked at them, not them at me.

The Sun, by Alister

2005-08-18T14:10:00.000-05:00

Finally that human has cast away that artificial light and has allowed me to bask, rightly, in the glorious sun!! My colors are brighter and the light is envigorating! This is the way a humu was meant to live!! There is no alternative to the true light! Humuhumunukunukuapua'a!!!! For it is written, "and then the Humucrat shall capture the sun, and make it shine only for him."

Addendum:
Alister is confused - I transferred my T5 HO flourescents over his tank. He has been raving on and on about the sun and how glorious his tank now is. He will not believe me that these are just lights, quite like his old ones, only brighter. He has insisted that this is all part of the humu prophecy of the final ascension of the humucrat. I told him that T5s, while bright, are no where close to as bright as the sun(thank God, since Alister is not paying the electric bill, rather I am). He has called me a doubter of the true humu faith. I think he is crazy, but I do admit, they do make him look much prettier.

Alister was cranky this morning.

2005-08-15T07:37:00.000-05:00

I turned on his lights about 20 minutes early. I could just see his tail sticking out from his new sleeping cave. I watched him for a few minutes. His tail twitched but he did not move. He sat their a few more minutes. Again his tail twitched but he didn't come out. Finally after about 10 minutes her back out of his whole, took one look at me, trigger, and swam back in and sat their for another 5 minutes. He just gave me this look like "Oh, it's YOU". I think that is the humu version of hitting the snooze button. You could tell he was not very happy about being woken up early, especially now that he has t5s that are about 4 times as bright as his previous PCs.

Hungry, Hungry Humus!

2005-08-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

I am going to invent a new game - it will be called Hungry, Hungry Humus. The point of this game is simple - the one who eats the most urchins, wins!

The game board will consist of a playing field which urchins are flipped onto, and then they role around. Up to 4 players rapidly bang on their Humu's triggers, which causes the humu to lunge forward and eat the urchin. This is such an original idea for a game, it is a wonder that no one has thought of it up to this point.

All in all, this will be a very competitive game and it will quickly separate the skilled children from the unskilled. The unskilled may then be mocked for having an unhungry humu - if they cry, you get credit as if your humu ate an additional urchin. This will teach children to be strong and independent, and it will teach them the kind of cut throat skills necessary to survive in the working world of today. Alternately, if the two players trade insults and come to blows, points may be awarded for bruises inflicted upon other players, provided that they are inflicted honorably in the nature of true humu battle. Treachery will not be tolerated and will result in your score being reduced to zero.

Disclaimer: Real sea urchins are venomous. Individuals allergic to urchin venom should avoid using real urchins when playing the game. Making an opponent cry using urchins, particularly fire urchins, does not award extra points. Extreme care should be exercised if playing with fire urchins as their venom is so potent sting victims have been known to cut off limbs to avoid the constant burning pain. This is a game and it is supposed to be fun - a little rough housing can be fun, auto-amputation is not fun. Furthermore, self inflicted amputation is not covered by insurance. Humu Industries has no liability for game afflicted wounds.

Uni

2005-08-10T11:45:00.000-05:00

I want to meet the crazy Japanese guy who invented uni - sea urchin sushi for the non-humsessive compulsive. Sea urchins... eating them....

Yeah... that is the most intuitive thing in the world, it's not like they are covered by hundreds of razor sharp, venomous spines... oh wait, they are...

It must have taken someone very special to say... dude, I can eat that!

I think it probably involved a couple of friends, a bet, and a whole lot of sake and or plum wine.

I only hope that the person who invented uni got it right on the first try.

I can just see it now...

Here try this.
Um ok, what is it?
Raw sea urchin.
Ok... hmm, this is kind of good... owwww mother f$%#$^!!
What?
I have a freaking spine piercing my tounge.
Oh does it hurt?
Hurt? Of course it hurts, I'm bloody bleeding!
Oh, sorry - I thought I got all those spines out...

The hissing goose!

2005-08-10T07:01:00.000-05:00

There was a goose here at work. I walked by him one day and he hissed at me because I got to close. I just wanted to run up to him and hug him. He was so cute - he was like hissssss, hissssss. It was the most unscariest thing in the world. I just wanted to pet him more. He would have stopped hissing after he realized I was his friend and that I wanted to take him home and let him live in the bath tub.

Honk, Honk, Honk, hoaun, crunch, crunch.

2005-08-10T06:58:00.000-05:00

There was a flat honker...
Poor honker, I guess the car was not intimidated by his hissing.

He was so flat - poor guy, he never even stood a chance.

Food fit for a humu-king!

2005-08-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

Hawaiian fried rice

1 can of Spam(other meat like products may be used, but don't be a cheap bastard, buy the good stuff!)
1 whole pineapple
1 cup of rice
1 tbsp brown sugar(or more to taste)
3 tablespoons low sodium soy sauce(or more to taste, but do not add so much that the soy sauce becomes the dominant flavor)
1 tbsp olive oil

Prepare one cup of rice per directions on the box or bag. The rice should be fully cooked before added to the dish.

While the rice is cooking, open your can of Spam.
Turn the Spam can upside down and tap it repeatedly to relieve suction until the Spam loaf lands on your cutting surface. Cut the Spam loaf into evenly sized cubes and sautee with olive oil over medium heat. Stir constantly, do not allow the Spam to brown

Cut off the top and bottom of the pineapple and quarter it with a large knife. Cut out the core and remove the peel with a curved knife. Cut the pineapple into evenly sized cubes. Add the pineapple to the frying Spam and stir constantly. Add the brown sugar, but make sure to break it up so that it does not burn.

Simmer on low heat until the rice is done cooking. Before adding the rice, add the soy sauce to the Spam/pineapple mixture and mix well. After the soy sauce has been warmed slightly, stir in the rice - try to make sure it gets evenly coated.

And there you have it - Hawaiian fried rice.

Disclaimer: humus have special dietary needs high in fatty acids. Although Spam is fatty, and pineapple is acidic, it's just not the same. Do not feed Hawaiian fried rice to humus - the sugar will contribute to excess algae growth and the humu will likely not eat any of the mixture. Humus require HUFA - highly unsaturated fatty acids - and spam and pineapple just won't cut it... but you can cut the Spam and enjoy this fine dish yourself!

Humu food - good, and good for you!

2005-08-09T05:29:00.000-05:00

So I have been eating some dried seaweed lately - konbu and wakame, prominent ingredients in Japanese cooking, konbu especially - the stuff is kind of addicting - it's just salty enough and a bit chewy, sort of like jerky. Humus love their seaweed after all.

But even better - I had uni at a sushi bar the other day, and it was the best uni I have had recently. For the unitiaited, uni is the fleshy part of the sea urchin. It has an altogeter unique flavor and texture, which you are not going to find elsewhere.

But like I always said, if it's good enough for a humu, then it's more than good enough for me.

Useless humans! An exposition by Alister

2005-08-09T05:24:00.000-05:00

We humus live and die by our wounds, not sit around and complain about them. I have been hungry all week - I have demanded squid, urchins, and whatnot and what response do I get? Sorry Alister, it hurts to stand up right now, I will get you something later! What sort of pathetic half-hearted answer is this? We humus do not have surgery for our pains, they either heal naturally or not at all, and old scars, battle wounds, their is honor in being maimed in glorious combat against our enemies... none of this surgery garbage.

Oh well, it is almost over I believe, and besides, if I am not fed promptly I am going to put an add out for a replacement. It is an honor to serve after all.

The computer must be fixed - by Alister

2005-07-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

When is that worthless human going to get home? All he ever does is work! I have lost 77% of my primary connectivity because those infernal human inventions cannot tolerate a little water.

How am I supposed to get my email?

My sister, humugurl17, was supposed to send me a new recipe for eating krill, but I can't even get logged onto AlisterKingOfEverything@humumail.com now. What am I going to do? This is so typical, so typical!!

Even worse, my satelite feed from the HIA has been up and down all day! You would think WWIII is going on, no spy satelite footage, no email! How can a humu stay connected when these infernal gadgets won't work? They were not even going to send that infernal shuttle up to repair my satelites until I slipped the mission commander a fresh octopus.

After I am fed I am going to acquire some tech firms and start R&D for some reliable technology. I am livid, livid I say. And I am hungry!!

A confession by Alister

2005-07-29T07:11:00.000-05:00

I must admit... I did ruin his computer... but it was not my fault.

After getting into a rousing conversation with DHumu121 on Humu messenger I could not help but triggering and spitting water everywhere.

Here is an excerpt from the conversation

DHumu121: Wat R U doing?

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: plotting.

DHumu121: How is dat going 4 U?

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: Excellent, shares of humusoft are up 41% and I am poised to add several new tokens to my porfolio.

DHumu121: Wow - dat sounds pretty gud.

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: That is the understatement of the year my friend.

DHumu121: So R U going 2 like take over the wurld soon?

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: Not yet, the time is still not right, but the day is coming.

DHumu121: Dat sounds good. R U doing anything this weekend?

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: MMMM.... probably just going to hang out and eat some squid.

DHumu121: Dat sounds good, I'm going 2 Kauliakuwea 2 visit my mom. Hey, Gud luck taking over the wurld. Will you tell me when U do it?

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: Believe me, you will be the first to know.

DHumu121: Gud, cuz I am gonna eat sum urchins all day to celebrate.

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: We will all be eating urchins, we shall feast for days and fulfill our birthright!!

DHumu121: lol that would be gud!

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: lolololol

DHumu121: lolz rofl

SupremeMasteroftheUniverseAlister: roflolol roflmaolol lol
....

Humu-no-moto - cooking by Alister

2005-07-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

The tastiest thing available for a humu to eat is humu-no-moto; take care not to confuse this as humu-broth, humus are not approrpriate for soup or eating, unless they are impudent and traitors to my humukin. Rather, humu-no-moto is an instant seasoning for humus - to make humu food taste better to humus. You may not substitute dashi-no-moto for humu-no-moto. It just does not work that way.

Things that are especeially tasty with humu-no-moto include squid, octopus, shrimp, sea vegetables, and humu-sake, a rare, but wonderful fermented beverage consumed only by humus.

That is humu-no-moto in a [sic nutshell] recently extinct snail shell.

Did you know ?!?

2005-07-27T11:39:00.000-05:00

Humus are the specialest fishes in the ocean. Of all the fishes, humus are by far the specialest ones.

You see, humus bite things. Now many other fish bite things too, but humus bite things better!

Have you ever been bit by a humu?
Well I have, so :P

I have been bitten by a specialer fish than you!!

Sure other fish swim, but humus swim backwards!!
And lets see them swim if a humu bites off their tail. It won't happen, humus do not need a tail to swim, but other fish do, so humus are betterer still.

Also humus have a developed culture which will one day be the only culture because they are born to rule and impose. Other fish are not that lucky.

Humus are smart, humus are specialer, and humus have impressive investment protfolios. Alister himself is the CEO and CFO of humusoft. "There is no conflict of interest in being both chief executive and chief financial officer" Alister said at a preivious board meeting. One of the board members said "But couldn't you just funnel all of our money into your own private bank account and then cover your tracks to make it look like an accounting error?" "No, that's not what it means at all" Alister said. "But what's to stop you?" said the soon to be deceased board member. "Humu ethics" ... "Humu ethics? Aren't those 'if you can do it and get away with it you are justified in doing it'?"

"Silence fool"

The boardmember then realized his life was forfeit and began pleading...

Tragically that board member's home was burned to the ground with him inside after it was repeatedly struck by lightning... again and again, all in the same place.

Local authorities were puzzled by the tragedy because there were no other reports of lightning or storms.

In recent news, Humusoft has recently merged with TeslaTek inc and has aquired Your Neighborhood Lightning Rod Company, LLC. Alister said "what great foresight I have...

Who would have guessed multiple localized lightning strikes could take someone we all knew?"

Lightning rod sales soared but only among board members....

But anyway humus are the specialest fishes in the whole wide world.

I told Alister today that I might not be able to make him a mutant triggerfish army.

2005-07-20T07:57:00.000-05:00

He was not pleased - he said "Silence Mortal!" Give me one good reason not to inflict my wrath upon you. He then threatened to do bad things to me like chew off my knee caps and leave me unable to walk. After he got it out of his system I fed him some new life spectrum pellets and he seemed to forget all about the incident.

Since then he has been asking some more reasonable questions about how to build a mutant triggerfish army - like how much it would cost, reasonable R&D period, what small nations he would have to conquer and exploit in order to fund the experimentation - the usual kind of thing. It sounds like he is thinking things through a bit more and is making less impulsive decisions. It's good to know that he is coming to his senses. That is important, I don't want to build a mutant triggerfish army that is half rate; genetic manipulation is expensive, laborious stuff and I think his expectations were a little unrealistic. This way it will take much longer, but he has a much greater chance of ending up with special forces instead of "special" forces.

I like humus!

2005-07-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Humus really are the best kind of fish. There is not much disputing that fact. Take a look at a humu and try not to love him. You can't do it can you? I didn't think so. If you could, you would have to be French or would have to work for a degenerate organization like the Society for the Prevention of Worldwide Enslavement Both Physically and Emotionally by Over Zealous Humus Bent on World Domination In Order to Make the World a Better Place. SPWEBPEOZHBWDIOMWBP members are few and far between - because quite frankly few people are so degenerate, and those who are, most often are not intelligent enough to remember the acronym. These people also clearly do not want the world to be a better place either. They also have an affiliated group for the less mentally capable - Humu Hater Anonymous. Unfortunately, since they are all anonymous, members have a hard time keeping track of each other, collecting money, mailing out meeting reminders, and other such activities. I am glad they are an ineffective organization because they are mean!

Welsh goat counting songs

2005-07-15T14:20:00.000-05:00

So apparently many Welsh folk songs are about counting goats - many of these songs are awesome despite the fact that I cannot understand any of the words because they are in Welsh.

I am so inspired to write a goat counting song of my own

1 goat
2 goats
fat goat
skinny goat
black goat
white goat
boy goat
girl goat

Yeah goats!
We got your goats

We got to move these goats and color tvs!
Money for nothing and goats for free
Angora goats
Milking goats

Lots and lots of goats

You goats get over here!

And now for a humu counting song

Humu
2 Us
Humuhumu
4 Us
Humuhumunukunuku
8 Us
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a
9 Us, 3 As
The ratio of Us to As is 3:1

I got one humu, a humu picture and a stuffed humu
Humu necklace and a humu tile because I am a humuphile!!
Humus I got them, you need them?
Too bad get your own!!
Humus are for feeding, not for renting
One humu
Two humu
Fat humu
Skinny humu

Oh I got the humuhumuhumuhumuhumuhumuhumunukunukuapua'a
Humu broker, that's me,
See my humu stuff come and see!

My faithful servant is probably going to med school - an exposition by Alister

2005-07-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

Personally I think this is a wonderful idea.
I have high hopes for this one's future - he has always fed me relatively well, though the live shrimp area has been lacking.

I have plans to get him to develop a new breed of super humus - these humus will be faithful ground troops in the comming take over... I mean persuasive diplomatic movement.

These new super humus will be fanatically obliged to follow order. They will be able to shoot high energy laser beams from their eyes searing anything in their path to a crisp. Though they will primarilly subsist on urchin and squid, they will have patches of photosynthetic Zooxanthellae on their triggers for continuous operations in hostile waters. This will also allow for extended use of their humuhumueyeyelaserbeama'as(patent pending). These humus will be a new species Rhinecanthus uberhumueus A.K.A. uberubernukunukuapua'a. They will have additional features on their lower protofin which will be a deployable tripod for extended sieges and extra acuracy in long range warfare. They will also have advanced chromoreactive abilities allowing for active camoflague rendering them almost completely invisible in virtually all enviroments. Ideally they will have a gestational period of less than 6 days reaching full maturity in under 6 weeks. At this point they will be called the Hum-hadar and they will be the stormtroopers of the humu empire - they will specialize on seizing control of enemy capitals, quelling insurrections with an iron fist, and will be quite versed in reciting humu poetry during occaisional peacetimes(i.e. surrender of current foes).

Also he will be able to buy me a larger tank and a more comfortable Lazyhum(TM) rock for relaxing on/in.

I now require more squid! Quick give it to me, I am hungry.

Alister has a new toy!

2005-07-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

He has his very own Seio 820, a low pressure/high volume powerhead, capable of pumping 820 gph through the tank. He likes the excess current because it gives him good exercise and helps him to grow big and strong! It also keeps him from getting fat, because a fat humu is not a normal humu - humus do not get fat in the real world.

I love humus!!

Even newer children's book

2005-07-08T08:29:00.000-05:00

If you give a humu a house

If you give a humu a house, he will be happy and healthy all day
If you put some rocks in it he will wriggle between them and weave and ripple
If you give a humu some squid he will shred it and shred it and swallow
If you give a humu a friend he will follow and follow and teach him what it means to fear a superior fish that is king of the tank, provided that the friend foolishly opposes the fiat of his fellow fish king!!!
If you give a big humu a big, big meal, if he's bloodthirsty enough he will eat it all up!

New humu childrens book

2005-07-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

I have decided to write a children's book about humus - I am thinking about calling it One humu, two humu, old humu, new humu.

Would you watch them swim all day?
Watch them dart and dash and play?
I could not watch this humu you see,
because he bites other fish and me.

But humus are the best and bestest fish spam I am!
I know, I know, but they bite hard by d@mn!

Well its a good start at least.

Alternately I could write another humu children's book - I could title it something like
"How not to be the first against the wall as enemies of the humu race when the glorious revolution comes and Alister self appoints himself as 'President for Life'. A pratical guide for wealth and welfare in the coming world spanning Humpire"

Quite frankly this is information that these kids need to know, and it will help them understand why their other siblings were taken away in the middle of the night for being enemies of the humu state.

Why I will not have children

2005-07-06T10:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, so basically I could never accept a child as my own until he could say "Humuhumunukunukuapua'a". This would be his first word ideally - he would learn to say humuhumunukunukuapua'a before such pointless words like cat, dog, dad, mom, airplane, and no!. Basically I think that this is really too much to ask out of a kid - so quite frankly I am left asking what good are they?

After thinking about this for a while I have come up with a list of what children are good for-
1) Bait
2) Humu Fodder
3) Footballs(babies only)
4) If you laminate them, they make nice bookends
5) Centrifugal force experiment test subjects(they actually seem to like this)
6) Biomass factories
7) Fun to mail across the ocean to strangers yo don't know.
8) Put on wings and you have a gargoyle - place them on buildings to scare away evil spirits.
9) Load them onto trebuchets and hurl them into Canada
10) Good to eat - a la Jonathen Swift's "A Modest Proposal" Baby - the other, other white meat

Thats about all I could come up with.

:P

2005-07-05T07:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like work is slowly and methodically leaching away at my joy of life, I feel that my desire to be is slowly trickling away and my soul is being corroded into a crushed, tarry mass of meaninglessness as I slave day in and day out with lack of fulfillment, constantly exposed to voluminous corporate-speak, masses of petty, trifle banter, and continuously frustrated hopes of advancement in an effort to rise above innervating mediocrity.

But then I realize I have a humu so I can smile and know all is well in the world!

Work

2005-07-05T07:17:00.000-05:00

Work FTL!!

Humus FTW!!!

An army of mutant triggerfish!!

2005-07-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so you can actually buy low grade uranium ore on ebay...

So I could theoretically create an army of mutant trigger fish, who could fly and have powerful telepathic abilities and could endlessly broadcast humu thoughts to all the unguarded mind in the world!!! This would make the world a happier place - everyone would hear the happy happy humu song about happy flying mutant humus with projective mind powers... it would be like having a bratty kid who watches the same stupid movie over and over(the kind with the horrible song that get stuck in your head and resonate from the depths of your psyche until you want to gouge your ears so that you will never have to hear it again) - except this would be happy humu song and would not be a stupid movie so it would actually be a good thing. Wouldn't this be like the greatest thing ever? I could make my humu, float, glow green and he could follow me every where projecting happy humu thoughts to everyone I meet!! :D
Everyone would be happier with the happy humu song being psychically broadcast everywhere!!

News flash: There are humus in the Red Sea!!

2005-06-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

It's not just humukin, Rhinecanthus assasi, honest to God humus dwell in the Red Sea. We are talking about Rhinecanthus rectangulus, the original!!

Humus are teh uber and they watched Moses do his thing!! They are the chosen fish!! They were there where the action is!! I always knew it, deep down in my heart I knew - thank you Bob Fenner from Wet Web Media and you knowledgeable ramblings on Red Sea triggers you have made my day!!!

I won the Humuhumu necklace(for my wife) on e-bay

2005-06-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

Ok - so I bid on this thing and some n00b tried to bid snipe me with 30 seconds left on the auction. Well this humu n00b bid sniped like $20 too low and like totally lost. I so totally pwned him I was like LOL what a humu n00b! So now I am like thinking, hey humu n00b why not go take care of some like cichlids or something or a pretty gold fish because you are too much of a n00b to keep a humu. A humu would eat you alive n00b, he would be like where's my squid n00b? And the n00b would be like umm I have some nice flakes for you and the humu would be like STFU n00b die! I want squid!! And the humu would be like LOL LOL LMAO LOL what a n00b! Why don't you go get a clown fish or something because you are too n00b for me.

So the moral of the story is don't mess with the humu master because I am humu pro and I will always pwn humu n00bs.

Oh and now my wife has a nice humu necklace!

And the humu n00b has.... NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

Here's a tip n00b, don't swim with the humus if you are a n00b. They will pwn you!

Honker fall down!!

2005-06-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

I saw a goose trip today - it was walking across the parking lot and it was climbing up over a curve. (clop clop clop clop webbed feet) It tripped and fell into the grass. Honker fall down!! LOL.

I apoligize that this post had nothing to do with humus - it was just too funny not to share.

Uberhumu

2005-06-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

n. (oober-hoomoo)
A humu of particularly large size or girth typically being 8-12". Uberhumus tend to be at least 5 years old, and often reached the majority of their size in captivity. The uberhumu is the pinnacle of triggerfishdom and inspires awe among those who see it.

German: uber, Hawaiian: Humuhumunukunukuapua'a

My IT midterm was easy.

2005-06-24T07:53:00.000-05:00

As easy as loving a humu.

I aced it I think.

I like IT and I like humus. Now if only I can develop an integration strategy for keeping humus with other humus so that they talk out their problems instead of trying to eat each other - many more humus per liter - that is a noble goal.

I have an IT midterm today.

2005-06-23T13:34:00.000-05:00

The problem with IT is that neither letter occurs in the word Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

Fortunately, they do both occur in the word Trigger, so all is not lost.

Oh humuhumunukunukuapua'a, how do I love thee...

2005-06-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

Let me count the ways...
Wait I can't count that high... ah nuts.

Just know humus, that I like you a whole bunch.

Bidding war on Ebay(cont.)

2005-06-22T12:06:00.000-05:00

Well I lost the bid - we got into a bid sniping war and I was like take that b%#ch and would up the bid by a dollar and then the other person was like no, this is my Jesus - and this went on for a while and it got up to like $53 and I was like, fine dude, you can have it... but then I went and I bid sniped someone else and stole their Jesus and I won!!! Jesus FTW! Bid Sniping for the win!! I guess there is some sort of lesson I should take away from this - like when God lets you get outbid on one icon he lets you bid snipe someone else on another... or maybe I should walk away and realize - people are idiots, so they don't want humu stuff, so I should stick to bidding on humu stuff. I think that's probably it.

...And I spent less money on the other icon so I am off to buy some humu stuff!! Humuhumunukunukuapua'a FTW!

Bidding war on Ebay

2005-06-22T08:01:00.000-05:00

So normally I buy humu stuff on ebay - I got some really neat 3D puzzles recently - a lionfish, a clown trigger, and a moorish idol.

Today I am bidding on a Greek Orthodox icon of Jesus Pantocrator - "Jesus the teacher" - but some mean dumb person is bidding against me!!! This makes me mad - I will win this auction... JESUS WILL BE MINE!!!! Mwahahaha..... you other person who wants Jesus - you are going down - I am calling you out!!!

Funny Hawaiian fish names

2005-06-22T07:01:00.000-05:00

Nauwili'wili'nuku'nuku'oioi - long nosed butterfly
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a!!!
Humuhumuniu'kole - pinktail trigger
Humuhumu'ele'ele - Hawaiian black trigger
Humuhumuumaumalei - Bursa trigger(Sufflamen bursa)

I'm a little humu fish short but not stout

2005-06-22T06:58:00.000-05:00

I'm a little humu fish short but not stout
Here is my trigger, it goes in and out.
Watch me trigger, it goes up and down,
Watch me chase the other fish around.

There are honkers!!

2005-06-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

There are honkers at work!!!
Honk honk honk honk!!
I like honkers.

Honkers begins with the same letter as Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

The h is a great letter even if it is only a breathing mark in most languages.

I like geese - Canadian geese prove that Canada is a good place!
Honk honk honk honk!!!

Sadness :(

2005-06-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

My heart weeps.
I only have one humu.
I am poor in humu ownership.
One humu is not an abundance.
Sad sad sad one humu house.
He is the best humu, but is only one humu.

I have pictures of humus but they are not real humus.

I will get another humu soon :D
My heart is joyful with humu wealth.

Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

I might get an Eel soon.
Nark Nimblefingers, be afraid.

This is what my goby looks like :(

Why humus are teh uber

2005-06-17T07:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I look at fish and think wow, they are neat. But then I look at humus and I think WoW - humus are teh uber - teh humu pwnz teh wrasse. teh humu pwnz teh goby, teh humu pwnz teh puffer cuz teh puffer is 2 phat. And I am like OMG OMG OMFG teh humu pwnz lol lol rofl rofl roflmao lol omg. Teh reason teh humu is teh pwner is cuz teh humu is uber 733t and teh other fish R n00bs. u c, humus pwn cuz of teh trigger - humu peeps have teh uber trigger and teh trigger micro. Humus r uber pro. There is like 1 fish and it is like I M pro and teh humu is like STFU n00b, and teh humu pwnz 'em like a n00b. teh humu is like ura n00b!!

Any peeps who are like teh humu pwnz r thn like O, teh humu is teh pwner, oic.

hi2u humu peeps!

Humus pwn 4eva - nebody else r fish n00bs.

Humus ftw!!

Viva l'hum!!

This post is not about humus for a change

2005-06-16T07:38:00.000-05:00

Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Humuhumunukunukuapua'a Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse Banana Wrasse

See... no humus at all.

Humus are good for your health

2005-06-16T07:28:00.000-05:00

Humus make me laugh and everyone knows, laughter is the best medicine. I think if you did a double blind study with a humu group and then with a placebo control group the humu really would prove to be the best medicine. I think you should ask your doctor what a humu can do for you.

Also there is a biotech company that makes humulin - I think it is gentech. I think humulin is a replicated insulin... but they named it very appropriately. I think there should be a Humzac and Humitor and a few other drugs like Humax, Humu-contin, and a few more.

Humus are good for your health. On a day to day basis, I get more benefit from my humu than my prevacid :) - I had to take prevacid for a month before it started working but my humu started working from the very first day and he just keeps getting better and better. Also you don't have to pay for monthly refills for humus - a big bonus.

I like to drink tea.

2005-06-16T07:24:00.000-05:00

I wonder if my humu would like tea? It is high in anti-oxidents - I bet it would make my humu more colorful. There is one big problem though - it would involve giving a humu caffeine. Humus should never drink caffeine... if you had a humu that had caffeine
1) The humu would never sleep
2) You would get whiplash watching him swim back and forth across the tank.

I don't think it is a good idea to let humus drink tea... no, not at all.

Cheese.

2005-06-15T12:33:00.000-05:00

I like cheese - it is one of my favorite foods. It is less likley to kill you than a humu is(at least kill you quickly). That is a major advantage of cheese.

Some people do not like humus.

2005-06-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

Many of these people are from Canada. It's not their fault where they are born, but most Canadians do like humus - there are just a proportionately large number of per capita humu-dislikers. It's Quebec mostly. The rest of Canada isn't so bad - if only it would secede from the country - everyone would be better off.

If I were a super hero...

2005-06-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

I would have gotten my powers by being bit by a radioactive triggerfish. I am not sure what my powers would be, but I think that I would have an indestructible trigger which would be useful for wedging open security doors and such, especially when a super villains base is going into lockdown mode and there are innocent civilians that need to escape.

My thoughts on Alister

2005-06-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

Alister is a very special fish!
He has a trigger and he spits out sand.
Isn't that great?

Humu poem

2005-06-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

Like gentle wet waves
Humuhumu swims through the
rocks in his big tank.

...or my middle name is not Humuhumunukunukuapua'a

2005-06-13T14:26:00.000-05:00

I think that I should change my middle name to Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

That way I could tell people - I will get this project done on time or my middle name's not Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Or if I told a story and someone was like "Are you making that up?" And I could be like I am telling the truth, or my name is not Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

Pets in World of Warcraft

2005-06-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Ok - so you can buy pets in Warcraft. My druid Spambar has a black snake. My Shaman Bjornhelm has a parrot(he also has a chicken who is now in the bank). My wife has a whelpling. I am very sad. I want a pet humu that will float around and follow me wherever I go. I would be willing to pay Blizzard like $100 or something if they would put a flying pet humu in the game just for me. My online experience can never be complete without a humu following me around, even if I made a character named humuhumu.

:(

No humu makes me sad.

They should make a special humu edition i-pod

2005-06-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

They could call it a humpod - it could either be a humu color edition - which would be orange, yellow, and black, or maybe it would have an actual humu on it. I would buy it. By the way, my blog color scheme is basically humu colored just in case you didn't notice. I did not set it up that way, it was a pre-programmed palette - which means that it was meant to be. I would carry my humpod everywhere and listen to My little grass shack on loop

THERE'S A PLACE IN HAWAII
THAT IS VERY DEAR TO ME
I AM HOMESICK AS CAN BE
WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY PLEA?

I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAII
I WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE KANES AND WAHINES THAT I KNEW LONG AGO

I CAN HEAR OLD GUITARS A-PLAYING
ON THE BEACH AT HO'ONAUNAU
I CAN HEAR THE HAWAIIANS SAYING
"KOMO MAI NO KAUA IKA HALE WELAKAHAO"

IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL MY SHIP WILL BE SAILING BACK TO KONA
A GRAND OLD PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS FAIR TO SEE.
I'M JUST A LITTLE HAWAIIAN AND A HOMESICK ISLAND BOY,
I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FISH AND POI,

I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA, HAWAII
WHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY
WHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY

I like fish

2005-06-13T09:48:00.000-05:00

I think that fish taste good. I like to eat them.

I do not like to eat humus - humus are friends, not food. I don't think you should eat humus, but it's ok to pet them provided that they don't mind. If you pet them, be careful that they do not mistake your finger for food.

Another reason that it is bad to eat humus is because they also tend to be consistent carriers of the bacteria that causes crimson tides - which is poisonous and can kill you. I think it might be Alexandrium clostridium or something like that, but regardless of what it is, the bacteria is mostly bad. Dieing is usually bad - in World of Warcraft it is bad - it is very annoying and it even gets pretty expensive by the time you hit 60 and start doing raid dungeons. In real life it is worse - I've heard it hurts quite a bit. Just look at the bible - I mean when Jesus rose on Easter and the disciples met up with him Jesus wasn't like "Wow - that was freakin' awesome - you really need to try this dieing stuff because it rocks!!" As a matter of fact I don't think Jesus ever said that - I am not even sure he used the word "freakin" at all. Also Lazarus didn't really say anything good about it either so I will assume for the moment that dieing mostly sucks. That's really why you shouldn't do it and that is why you shouldn't eat humus either.

I also advocate seat belts, getting immunizations, and just generally trying to avoid being a cripple. No one likes being crippled - if you look at the little wheel chair spaces in parking lots the little people marking the spaces tend not to be smiling. The worst thing about wheel chairs is that it's hard to go down stairs in them. Sure it might be fun the first or second time, but before long you are gonna really get hurt and end up much worse than you started and honestly no one wants that. If you are in a wheel chair and will need one for a while you should do the right thing - either live in a one floor house or get a lift. It will make things easier. The cool thing about wheel chair lifts is they remind me of the diagonal downward elevators you see in video games and really cool anime shows. Those really are the best way to access underground bases. If I ever need one, I am gonna get one that has a movement alarm on it so that it makes noise and people will know it is getting ready to move - and I will also get one of those rotating red lights. You know the kind I am talking about.

Ichthology

2005-06-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I should go back to school and get a P.hd in icthology. This way, I could get paid to go to places like Fiji and to deliver speeches and symposia about humus. People would actually pay me(probably not all that much, but they would still pay me) to write papers and books about humus. Basically I would get paid to do what I am doing now, but it would be an official job title or something. I think I would be doing something important with my life - I would get paid by the humu or by the humu book. There are worse ways to get paid.

This post is not about humus or anything related to humus.

2005-06-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

I am a liar. This post is completely about humus. I like humus very much.

My Humu eats squid and likes it pretty much.

2005-06-13T06:56:00.000-05:00

I ate squid this weekend and I liked it pretty much too. My humu likes scallops best though. I ate both squid and scallops in the same day - I think it was a toss up - I liked the one I was currently eating the best.

Moses and the humu-kin

2005-06-10T14:10:00.000-05:00

So, ok - there are these fish closely related to humus - they are called Assisi triggers and they come from the Red Sea. Some people call them Assasin fish or Assassin triggers. Basically these fish look almost identical to humus, but they lack some of the caudal and lateral coloration made popular by high classical humu fashion. You see, I think God really likes these humus. When Moses parted the Red Sea, I think the Assasi triggers were there - I think they probably swam up to the walls of water and watched it. You see, humus and humu-kin are very curious fish - so when the sea parts and a whole bunch of people walk through, humus like fish are very apt to investigate, and perhaps even grunt. So if this were to happen, there is not a single trigger that would not go and investigate. They would be swimming along eating squid and all of a sudden they would be like "what the heck is that?" And then they would swim and be like - oh it's just God doing some sea splitting thing. Then I think they would go back and continue eating - since they don't like to stop eating for very long. I think that before long the waves would go crashing back and the humu-kin could continue to frollic in the Red Sea. As an added bonus they could now eat the toes off of the drowned egyptians. You see, humus, and honorary humus like to bite things - and more than once they have bitten peoples fingers and toes. Even Alister has bitten my fingers because he thought they were made of food. Believe me, I figured they weren't by the time I was like 5 or something. I bet the humus liked this because they got to eat mean people. Humus like to eat all kinds of things, including carrots, so I figure the only real difference between carrots and mean people is that carrots have like 400% of your RDA of Vitamin A and well, mean people do not.

Another thing about humus - they will poke their head out of the water and they can spit water several inches. While investigating this whole Moses incident, I am pretty sure some poked their heads out of the water and spit water at the Israelites. That's just the way humus are.

One way I am different from a humu

2005-06-10T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well besides the obvious thing of not being from Hawaii, the only real difference has to do with lunch. Humus don't really eat lunch, per se, because humus eat all the time. You see, part of a humu's life simply involves eating from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed. This is really not such a bad system but there are some problems in getting it to work for people - you see a humu's favorite food is scattered about all over the reef floor - they just swim around and eat what they find - can you blame them? But to put this in a human perspective in order for it to be practical you would need to walk around and find slices of pizza in bushes, and random ham sandwiches in desk drawers. It would be a great system, but the logistics are just hard to get it to work. Maybe if the world were more like star trek, then it would work better - they could have a central food depository and they could transport it all over the world at random intervals. They could send it to completely random places. Now this could cause some problems because burritos might materialize half way in a filing cabinet and parts of it might some how fuse to the molecular structure of the cabinet, but I would be perfectly happy just eating the half of the burrito that is still a burrito and ignoring the cabinet burrito half.

Then I think my life could be a little more humu-like. That would be humtacular.

I did not sing a happy humu song this morning

2005-06-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

I was going to sing one, but I was honestly too tired. I did mumble a tired humu song though, so I think there is still some sort of balance in the universe, and that's important to say the least.

Special things

2005-06-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

There are many things that are important to me in my life. Some of them are not humus. The most important thing in my life, which happens to also be a non-humu, is my relationship with my wife. This is very important and she makes me happy. She is not a humu, but she likes humus and appreciates them, perhaps not as much as I do, but enough. Quite frankly that's good enough for me.

But back to the humus - they swim a lot. They get tons of exercise - if I swam as much as a typical humu I would weigh 100 less or weigh the same but have 100 more pounds of muscle. I would like either of those. But then, I am not a humu so I would get tired of swimming that much.

My wife does not swim much, but I bet she would like to swim like a humu swims. I would swim with her - I am looking to find a humu-printed bathing suit - now that would be awesome!!

Why do I like humus?

2005-06-09T11:41:00.000-05:00

I have asked myself this question many times, and I can never seem to come up with an answer. I think the reason I can't think of a good answer is that this is just a question that shouldn't be asked. It's like in the Declaration of Independence, when they say "We hold these truths to be self-evident". Likewise, the same is true for humus - the reason I like humus is self-evident. It is sort of a Kierkegaardian existential transparency. In order for me to define why I like humus, I must first define Being, particularly my being, and then I must define a humu's being.

Aristotle would say humus have 4 causes, and a telos, and that the existential-humu is explained by the humu first mover - I think this is part of it ... a humu is an end-in-itself that makes more humus and also makes people laugh.

And Plato would say that it takes a philosopher to understand the humu forms and ultimately the Humu which is like the Humu-Good. I think he is also right. There is an eros inherent to humus and makes them desire the true, the good, and to eat squid - this eros drives them to exist and to be excellent.

St. Thomas felt that God is unrestricted being, absolute unrestricted existence, toward which all things strive. He's got a point there - a humu has a material self and everytime they do a humu thing, like trigger, they proclaim their existence and participate as part of creation, which is good after all, particularly since it has humus in it. When humus do things that brings about the realization of their humudom they exist more - they commit themselves to their existential eros and move toward absolute existence - or in this case it is their "humos"(i.e. their vital essence).

The Descartes came along and messed everything up... Typical Frenchman... But he did contribute something to the understanding of humus - they trigger, therefore they are. I think for a humu, their trigger is a little like their soul - it's what they really are. Even if an evil genius comes along and clouds all their senses, and makes them confused, they will be even more instinctive to trigger, and therefore they affirm their humudom - just like even if the evil genius distorts my sense I still have the notion of the "I" and I can still assert with certainty that "I am still a thinking thing".

I think Kant had good insight because he posited three things upon which decent metaphysics is based on-> God, freedom, and eternity. Although I can never know a thing in itself, or a humu in humself, I can rest assured that there is a humu, and that the humu is bound by the humugorical imperative just like I am bound by the moral categorical imperative. The humugorical imperative states that a humu will be humu-like not out of their desire but because it is right - and thus the humu will have moral worth. They act without self interest but out of a sense of what ought to be. I like Kant and I like humus - I think Germans know a lot about humus really. Metaphysically I can know, but I cannot know a think in itself more than phenomenally.
That's all it takes, because humu phenomena are based on a deeper understanding of the humu-gorical imperative. In terms of really knowing, that is knowing apriori, if we understand the humu-gorical imperative we can come so close to knowing humus apriori as opposed to aposteriori that we can basically just sublimely assume that we know a humu - and it might be one of the few things we can really know. i.e. we can know a humu perhaps more conceptually than most other things.

And of course then there is Hegel - another German, and he knew quite a bit about trigger fish. Druckerfische - oppressive fish - perhaps Hegel knew more about humus than anyone else... which is appropriate because Hegel knew more about everything than anyone! To Hegel, humus are just a player in the stage of world history, but they were sort of world historical individuals. History in a sense, at least aquatic history, revolves around humus. You see, humus are reef fish, and they live in the reef - humu thesis.
There are sea urchins and star fish that eat the reef(the home of the humus!!!) humu anti-thesis
But the humus eat them, grow large and get fat and happy, thus keeping their population in check - humu-synthesis. You see, humus are reef-historical individuals - as a matter of course they are the end of reef history - and they do a fine job at it. Like I always said, Hegel knew everything. Humus really are the unfolding of the spirit of the reef as a work of history.

Then there is Dostoyevsky - and the Underground humu - except the humu is not limited by knowledge of the rules of the environment - they are not made less free. You see, humus will pick of rocks and such and will move them, thus they tear down walls of their own accord. That's how great humus are!!

And of course there is Nietzsche. He might be branded crazy for making such assertions as God is dead - well he did go insane from syphilis... So...
but long before he went insane he proposed the idea of a literary transformation of Being that could be brought about by experiencing a new kind of world art - Nietzsche was talking about a Greek classical tragedy, but he also directed his attention toward Wagnerian tragic opera. I think humus can transform your being just as well as music and stage; for one thing, the swim and have lots of colors. Also humus are not mute- they snap and grunt so it is basically music, especially when you make them happy by feeding them squid. It is delightful to talk of humus, not so much on account of what they do, but on account of what they are.

Husserl would have liked humus very much because from viewing them from many angles and vantages you can gain access to their forms, their spirit, their essence. Only from looking at something from every vantage simultaneously(anti-relativity) can you truly understand the humu essence. He's right - humus are interesting in many ways and from many angles. That's one of the reasons I like them.

I am not so sure Heidegger would have liked humus as much - he was German national socialist so he did not like many things, particularly France and Jews. He was not a nice man - I think his parents probably didn't hug him much as a child. Paul Celan, the German Jewish poet even wrote a poem which was in many ways about Heidegger - Todt is ein meister von Deutschland - death is a master from Germany. The thing that Heidegger had going for him was that he liked technology and saw technology as one of the saving forces of the modern age. He is in many ways correct - it was after all the German electrician Emmanuel Tunze who is credited with inventing the first power heads, protein skimmers, and other aquarium products that help keep humus happy. I would not go so far as to say that technology is salvation, which is a major idea from Heidegger, but for a humu, it is a darn nice thing to have. Heidegger thought that art was grounded in it's age, it was like a revealing of the times and even being, so in theory humu art would just be awesome. I own some humu art, and I will definitely say it is cool - it definitely is another way of looking at humus, so it does give some access their being I think.

But oh well, as we can see the question why do you like humus is perhaps as old as time, and there might not be just one right answer to this question.

I will think about it for a bit longer and let you know.

The virtue of a humu blog - what this blog is, and what it's not.

2005-06-09T10:34:00.000-05:00

Some people write blogs about topics like politics and religion. I guess both of those things are pretty important, but this blog is about humus. Some people will say what a waste of time, but I don't care because those people are probably mean, and they will probably die alone on a deserted island in a cold rainy place, like Scotland, but twice as rainy, twice as cold, half as cool, and without any Scotch. And I bet that if the island is not entirely deserted, then there will probably be mean snooty French people ship-wrecked there with them, so they will have people they could spend time with, but they will still die alone out of their free will because they are surrounded by mean French people. Now why these people got on a ship full of French people to begin with? I just don't know - there is no accounting for taste. Even the GAO(General Accounting Office) which governs all generally accepted accounting principles(GAP) cannot account for taste, especially when it involves mean snooty French people who work for Air France who cancel our flights without notice and then try to say it's our fault for wanting to be on a flight they had every right to cancel. Personally, if there were any politicians that were better than humus I would talk about politics. As far as religion goes, religion is important and everything. I mean God made humus and all - beer, like humus are just proof that God likes people. I mean, come on have you ever actually seen a humu? How can you see one and not smile or laugh? Personally, humus are the best thing that ever happened to my life that fits conveniently in a large, 900 lb, water filled glass box - and there is not a lot of things that I can say that about.

If you are interested in things other than humus(except maybe lacrosse and France), that's just fine. I commend you. But this blog is about humus so if you don't like them... well you make me very sad and I bet you work for Air-France.

Some day something good will come out of France. I am planning on buying a vineyard there and calling it Chateau d'humu. I will make good wine and I will put a picture of a humu on the label. That will be a good thing from France - partly because it is wine, which is about all France does well, but mostly because it will have a humu on the label. Now is a humu on the label enough to redeem it's Frenchness??

Absolutely!!

Chateau d'humu will have a rich fruity palate indicative of red fruit. It will have a woody scent reminiscent of cedar wood. Alternately it will have a citrusy finish and if I can find the right combination of fruit, wood, and oxidation reactions it will have a surprising pineappley finish. It will also have not quite a ham flavor like a syrah, but more of a Spam flavor(see post about Spam). Now this will be as fine a wine as ever came from France or anywhere else, but it will also have a humu on the label.

It will be very good, or as the Illustrious Scottish poet Burns said so very well,

Gie her a haggis!

I don't think it can be put better.

But I digress

basically the point of this post is this

France < Air-France < HMOs < dieing alone < Medicare < Lipitor < wine <= haggis < humus
If you take the absolute value of this equation it still holds true. If you contemplate that for a while you will find that it really makes a lot of sense.

Some people

2005-06-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

There are dumb people in the world. This is a fact.
There are people who for instance try to put a humuhumu in a tank that is obviously too small. What kind of idiot thinks they can put a humu in a 10 gallon tank and that the fish will not get big? Humus get big - it's a fact of life - deal with it people!!
Humus won't stay small just because you want them too - you cannot will them to be small. Odds are that their wills are bigger than your will anyway, so in the end, they get big and you may even get smaller. It might even bite your toes, which will be smaller, or at least seem smaller to the humu involved.

You don't want to oppose a humu, especially if you are diving in open water. They can bite you from several different angles and can probably bite things that you don't want them to bite - like your ear or the tip of your nose. It's just something you have to deal with. Also don't be offended if the humu bites something off and then spits it out - that doesn't necessarily mean it tastes bad, that's just the way humus eat - they don't have big mouths, so they bite things, then spit them out, then bite them again into smaller pieces. If a humu takes a chunk out of you and spits it out and doesn't go back to it, again don't feel offended, just realize that you probably just taste bad - maybe you can marinate yourself to fix the problem. I don't really know how these things work exactly.

Alister likes to eat things

2005-06-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

I have not tried to feed him Spam, but I bet he would eat it.
He really likes to eat just about everything. He eats seaweed, algae, squid, mussel, shrimp, urchin, plankton, krills, and little fish that he does not like. One time he tried to eat me. It really didn't hurt - he is not big enough to hurt me much. I am glad because some day soon his jaws will be powerful - I do not want my bone crushed nor my flesh rended by a hungry, hungry humu. He is not mean, just hungry. People misunderstand him, so I hope people will see him the way I see him - as a hungry fish with ADHD. That's really what he is.
I think his favorite thing to eat are scallops. I like scallops a lot too, so I think Alister and I have a lot in common. He's really my best friend that has laterally paired fins. I have other best friends, and some of them have fins even, but they are not laterally paired. That makes all the difference as far as I'm concerned.

Spam

2005-06-09T09:31:00.000-05:00

Hawaiians like Spam, Spam is salty. Humus are hawaiian and they live in salt water- I bet humus like spam immensly.

Alister

2005-06-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

Alister is my Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, some may be more familiar with the term Picasso Triggerfish. He has inspired me with a love of all things Humu. Before I met Alister my life was relatively unhumtacular, but now it is humurific. I'm not sure what I would do without a triggerfish. Really I am just grateful that there exists a creature as funny as the humuhumunukunukuapua'a.

Humuhumunukunu
kuapua'a
This poem is a humku